Forever after...

Hi..
Hey...

(they hug and kiss)

are you sure?
more than ever before! are you?

I really want it (smiles)
I'm glad

I really love you , you know...
Of course I know (kisses)

How do you know??
Because not only you want to do it, but you want US to do it...

You are the only one I wanna do it with...
I love you (kisses)

I want to feel like this until the moment I die, I don't want to feel nothing else, and I want to be with you (kisses)
That's exactly how I feel too... (kisses) I want this feeling to last as long as I live (kisses)

I don't care what everyone says... I only wanna be with you! (kisses)
Then let's be together forever! (kisses)

Let's do it then!
Yes, I'm ready now!

(they hug...

they kiss...

they put the guns on each other's foreheads and they shoot... )

What is going on ??

Why am I doing this? Is this normal? Is it just the night? Am I turning into a stalker? Or am I just trying to know that person better?

Can't interpret my feelings anymore... is it just the night? or something more real?? Am i really felling something or am I just imagining it?

Think I have felt like this before... Yes I've definitely felt like this before; and every single time I got hurt ...
I'm afraid to get back in there... It's scary... I can't control it... can't control myself , my actions, my feelings...
It is a state of absolute freedom... and then absolute destruction...

Why??? why...?

I am trying to protect myself, unconsciously.... by building up walls... impenetrable walls... and if someone finaly finds a way in... i start destroying... first in my mind, then in real life...

I just don't wanna get hurt again... please...

Some say without pain, you cannot gain anything... yes i agree, with pain you gain lots of important stuff... but I am afraid of moving on... pain doesn't make me stronger anymore... I don't wanna be any stronger... I am strong enough to prevent anyone from making a real connection with me... i don't want it anymore...i wanna be weak... i don't want to think anymore... i want to do stupid things!!! i want to do pointless things!! i want to do the wrong things without knowing... Ignorance is a bliss...and I never had that privilege ... that of ignorance... I always tend to think beforehand... having as a result making minimum mistakes...and taking no pleasure in what i did...

I wanna cry... there many times that i wanna cry... but every time that i come close to it, i just can't... i become emotionally dead... no reaction, no feeling... just my mind and my thoughts... i want it to stop... i become so strong that i got alienated from my very own self...

I want the freedom.... but the consequences prevent me from achieving it... I am bond in my own bonds... I am a prisoner in my own mind... I can't escape... and I'm afraid that i won't...

I am leaving in a few days... so, whats the whole point of thinking all these?

Have a nice day {07:44 am}