Why am I doing this? Is this normal? Is it just the night? Am I turning into a stalker? Or am I just trying to know that person better?
Can't interpret my feelings anymore... is it just the night? or something more real?? Am i really felling something or am I just imagining it?
Think I have felt like this before... Yes I've definitely felt like this before; and every single time I got hurt ...
I'm afraid to get back in there... It's scary... I can't control it... can't control myself , my actions, my feelings...
It is a state of absolute freedom... and then absolute destruction...
Why??? why...?
I am trying to protect myself, unconsciously.... by building up walls... impenetrable walls... and if someone finaly finds a way in... i start destroying... first in my mind, then in real life...
I just don't wanna get hurt again... please...
Some say without pain, you cannot gain anything... yes i agree, with pain you gain lots of important stuff... but I am afraid of moving on... pain doesn't make me stronger anymore... I don't wanna be any stronger... I am strong enough to prevent anyone from making a real connection with me... i don't want it anymore...i wanna be weak... i don't want to think anymore... i want to do stupid things!!! i want to do pointless things!! i want to do the wrong things without knowing... Ignorance is a bliss...and I never had that privilege ... that of ignorance... I always tend to think beforehand... having as a result making minimum mistakes...and taking no pleasure in what i did...
I wanna cry... there many times that i wanna cry... but every time that i come close to it, i just can't... i become emotionally dead... no reaction, no feeling... just my mind and my thoughts... i want it to stop... i become so strong that i got alienated from my very own self...
I want the freedom.... but the consequences prevent me from achieving it... I am bond in my own bonds... I am a prisoner in my own mind... I can't escape... and I'm afraid that i won't...
I am leaving in a few days... so, whats the whole point of thinking all these?
Have a nice day {07:44 am}
